Funny Stuff

I just moved to a new city and was able to make some friends that play a home game on the weekends. They have no idea that I’ve been playing for a while because I told them I was just learning. These guys suck at poker! I played with them last week and acted like I didn’t know what I was doing for the first hour and when they started drinking I really started playing. I ended up taking home a nice profit for the night. Is there anything wrong with this?

Poker is just like pool in that it is a game of hustling. Traditionally the key has been to scope out the weaker players to make sure you have an edge at making money against them. No one is a profitable player because they are constantly going up against players that are better than them. If you can make a nice profit by playing with weaker players, why not do so? The object in poker is to get as many or all of the chips at the table as possible. Poker is a game that requires a variety of skills, and that is what makes the game so great. So if it means you have to put on a bit of an act to win some money then so be it.

However, this isn’t a poker room situation where people are aware that they might be up against stiff competition. It sounds like this is more of a laid back fun poker game full of guys that just want to have a good time. At some point they will realize that you are a lot better than you let on, and they might decide to stop inviting you. It would be a shame to alienate the first group of poker friends that you meet in a new city.

If you want to continue to play with these guys, try not to take it so seriously. Its ok to win, but if you win every time you run the risk of not being invited back. One thing you can do is to take a portion of the winnings from the game and make sure you donate it back the next time you play. If you leave down for the night, make sure to mention that in passing so they don’t get the idea that you are always winning. Appeal to their egos a bit by mentioning how well someone played a hand (even if they didn’t), so they feel that you are on their same level. It wouldn’t be very fun to play with Phil Ivey every weekend when all you want to do is relax, play poker, and drink a few beers. So remember to have some fun with your new poker buddies!

Poker, in general, is not really the humor breadwinner of the sports world. Sure we might get the occasional chuckle out of a Daniel Negreanu-delivered Scotty Nyguen impression, but that momentary brilliance is quickly buried alive by the often failed one-liners doled out in mass quantities from dry humor specialists like Norman Chad and Gabe Kaplan, who still think its hip to serve up jokes that were popular long before the majority of poker players were even born.

Humor at the table isn’t all that stellar either. Phil Ivey often looks like he’s ten minutes into a hypnosis experiment, and Mike the Mouth continues to fail at grasping at the difference between people laughing with you versus people laughing at you. Still, there certainly exists some element of funny stories and moments from around the poker community and I’ve taken the time to compile some of the more entertaining snippets that you may enjoying browsing through while waiting for your SNG to start.

1. 10 Funny Poker Pictures

Okay, while none of these are LOL funny, it gets the same chuckle out of me as when I see Phil Hellmuth playing dress up while prepping for a WSOP Main Event entrance. The first image shows you what life as a degenerate gambler would be like (though personally I could always ask any one of my Italian uncles), and ends with a Tony G look-alike losing at strip poker, in case you ever wanted to experience a living nightmare.

2. Clonie Gown vs. Howard Lederer: Bollywood Style

This one’s good for a quick laugh. The gang over at PokerJunkie.com use some old Bollywood footage to attempt to recreate what was likely a conversation between female poker pro Clonie Gowen when she took aim at online card room Full Tilt Poker concerning contract disputes. All that’s missing now is a traditional Bollywood group dance scene with Erik Seidel, Jennifer Harman and the rest of the Full Tilt crew.

3. Lose Your Life at Hold’em

Someone here took the time to act out what many would consider to be an impossible scenario, quad aces beaten by a royal flush. The hand is played out from the perspective of the player who holds pocket aces, flops a set, and continues to bet his most prized possessions on every street, all the way to where he bets his whole life once he makes quad aces on the river. He gets called and happily turns over his hand, but then devastation sets in when the other player shows a royal flush. When I watched this I figured it was a good, funny look at how we all should gamble responsibly, though such a hand could never happen in real life. Right?

4. Quad Aces loses to Royal Flush

When I first saw the title of this video pop up I thought for sure that it was going to be the same film that I had just watched. Nope. Just take a look at the face of the poor shmuck that couldn’t wait to get all his money into the middle of the pot with quad aces, only to have his opponent flip up a royal flush for the win. Yeah, that’s as real as it gets. Oh, and did I mention that this hand was played at the WSOP and ended up knocking the guy out of the tournament? We all have a bad beat stories, but that dude may be the first to have a tale to tell that involves quad aces getting cracked at the biggest poker series on the planet. Maybe I should write up an instructional piece on how to check down four aces just to be safe.

5. The Naked Poker News

The title alone is intriguing, that is as long as Gavin Smith and Barry Greenstein aren’t listed as the hosts. The Naked Poker News is a UK-based site that appears to be in the beta stages of what will eventually become a poker news program where naked girls deliver industry-related stories. Not sure how a pair of bouncing boobs is going to make a story on Jamie Gold’s latest charity tournament any more relevant, but I’m not one to get in the way of progress.

Poker Journal Entry: Home Game Mayhem

I don’t often play in a lot of home games; I apparently just don’t have the patience for them. The buy-ins are too low, the action moves at a snails pace and more often than not at least a good portion of the participants have a fairly poor understanding of poker. To me, home games are more fun when the card games being played are less competitive and more centered on being fun, such as games like “Legs” and “Indian Kings”. Still, despite my hesitation, I recently agreed to play in a three table home game tournament that held a buy-in of $25 with a single add-on/rebuy available for $10.

The majority of the attendees were teachers and principals from around the area that were friends of the family, with poker abilities ranging to non-existent (One girl had to resort to using a poker cheat sheet since she didn’t know what beats what) to those that had a decent understanding of the game and could make plays that made sense.

I was assigned to the table that was highlighted by an assistant principal who apparently moonlights as an alcoholic in his spare time, plus a handful of other colorful characters that would happily bet/fold out of turn, fold when they still had the option to check, and indulge in numerous other frustrations that gave me median blood pressure of someone twice my age.

As suspected, the action moved very slow and for the most part I was running very card dead. Raising with mediocre hands was completely out of the question since everyone was calling pre-flop raises with hands like Q-10 offsuit, making it very difficult to play post-flop with any kind of aggression when you missed your hand since one wrong move could result in quick elimination due to the small starting stacks.

I bided my time by waiting for an opportunity to double-up early, and I kept my eye on the speakeasy assistant principal when he began moving all-in pre-flop about a half dozen times before we were even 30min into the tournament. I woke up with pocket kings in middle position and min. raised with the hopes that he would bite and shove with anything resembling a hand. My ploy worked and he ended up all-in with pocket threes which didn’t improve at all through the flop, turn or river, leaving him to become the first to reach in his pocket for a rebuy.

From that point on I was stuck with nothing better than J-5 offsuit for the next two hours and had to rely on some correctly timed bluffs in order to stay afloat. My defensive stance was good enough to get me to the final table, where I took every possible opportunity to shove against players I felt would call with mediocre hands. I ended up applying that tactic three times and it held up each time, thankfully giving me enough chips to actually go back to using my usual style. Humorously enough, by the time it was all said and done, the top three spots would consist of my father, my stepmom, and myself, the only three members of our family that decided to play the tournament. Needless to say the other 33 eliminated participants thought the fix was in, even though we had all been seated at different tables for most of the tournament. We ended up splitting the prize pool three ways, which netted me a cool $200 for the night.

Did I say I didn’t like home games? Yeah, my opinion hasn’t changed. Thanks for the two dimes though!

Poker star and founder of Cirque de Soleil, Guy Laliberte, looks like he’ll be spending his winnings on becoming one of the first civilians to enter space.

The entrepreneur, who made his name eating fire and walking on stilts before creating the hit worldwide show Cirque de Soleil, Laliberte came fourth in 2007’s World Poker Tour, netting himself $696,220 and booking a place on GSN’s High Stakes Poker and Poker After Dark.

Laliberte will pay a staggering $35 million for the zero gravity experience. It shouldn’t infringe too much on his fortune, though. The celebrity poker personality is worth an estimated $2.5 billion!

Space temperatures may be sub-zero, but Laliberte won’t go into space cold. He’ll have to spend time at Johnson Space Centre in Houston preparing for his weightless adventure.

If he completes the training and passes the necessary exams, he’ll be flying with Commander Maxim Suraev, a former Russian air force Colonel, and Jeffrey Williams, an experienced NASA astronaut.

The flight, aboard the Soyuz TMA-16, was organised through the Space Adventures Ltd and will blast off from the Baikonur Cosmodome in Kazakhstan on September 30th this year.

Laliberte and his crewmates will fly to the International Space Station and spend nine days aboard before Laliberte and Gennady Padalka, the Outgoing Station Commander, and Michael Barratt, a NASA flight engineer, return to Earth.

Although the mission holds a serious purpose, Laliberte hasn’t ruled out the possibility of some zero gravity poker. "Maybe I'll teach them a couple of card tricks”, he said, “but I don't know in weightlessness how those things can take place”.

Poker ace JJ Hazan baffled the dragons of hit television series Dragon’s Den with perhaps one of the most unusual business propositions they’ve ever encountered.

For those that have watched the BBC show, you’ll know how it works – hundreds of wannabe entrepreneurs enter the Dragon’s Den one after another, hoping to leave the room with a tidy investment in their new business from the dragons.

Unfortunately, most hopefuls leave with a shameful look of humiliation after Duncan Bannatyne has told them to go back to cleaning windows because their business idea is a complete waste of time.

JJ Hazan was hoping to buck the trend by offering the dragons a percentage in a different kind of business – himself.

JJ was asking for £65,000, money that he would use to play 33 high stakes online poker tournaments, telling his potential investors that he planned to win eight of the 33 tournaments he entered.

His spiel stunned the dragons and immediately alienated three of the five, however, poker enthusiasts Duncan Bannatyne and Theo Paphitis wanted to hear more.

JJ told them that if he wins big he’ll claim over £1,000,000 in prize money and asks them to think of any other business that can give those sorts of returns overnight.

Duncan and Theo remained interested and looked to be considering a joint investment, that is until the pair questioned whether or not JJ would really need as much as £65,000 of their money if the returns were so high.

That was the turn to negative town that JJ was hoping the pair wouldn’t make and both Duncan and Theo declared themselves out.

It will go down in history as one of the show’s most audacious investment attempts but full credit to JJ for trying. Perhaps a £65,000 stake was a little too much of a gamble, though.

10. You watch sports reruns all day, and then poker reruns at night.

9. You stay up all night playing poker online and complain in the morning about getting up for work.

8. When she asks you to have a quiet night at home, you quickly agree and then grab your laptop to play online while watching a movie.

7. You plan vacations together around where the circuit is.

6. You lost big at your last session, and take it out on your girlfriend until you have a winning session again.

5. You ask your girlfriend to hang out with you at the poker table. She sits behind you bored for several hours while you stare at the cocktail waitress.

4. You can lose hundreds of dollars playing poker, but think it’s ridiculous that she spends hundreds of dollars on Jimmy Choo shoes.

3. You can lose hundreds of dollars playing poker, but never buy her gifts.

2. You always use poker analogies to relate to your relationship (most of which she doesn’t understand.)

1. If you had the choice between poker and your girlfriend, you would choose poker.

I don't see why Chris should get away with this, and since I didn't make his top 10 he's crossed off of mine!! So here is my top 10 poker hunks.

1. Patrick Antonius

Patrick Antonius definitely adds some spice to the world of poker with his good looks and tremendous talent for poker. Originally from Finland, this ex tennis player and model, turned to poker and made a name for himself at the WPT PokerStars Caribbean Adventure. He continued to place in several EPT and WSOP events. He is also a skilled cash game player who has made millions playing heads up. Patrick has over 2.5 million in tournament winnings.

2. Phil Ivey

Not only is Phil Ivey considered one of the best poker players in the world, but he is also handsome. In 2002 Phil made an outstanding performance at the World Series of Poker for cashing the most in a single year. This included winning three bracelets. In total, Phil has five bracelets to his name and tons of tournament cashes. Phil is also a regular participant in the “Big Game” that is played at the Bellagio amongst the biggest names in poker. His tournament winnings total more than 10 million.

3. David Benefield

David Benefield is one of the hottest young pros on the market. David quickly established himself as a sit-and-go pro and then started moving up the ranks of cash games. He started at the lowest limits and worked his way up. Now, he most commonly plays $200-400 NL Hold’em or PLO. He’s also a talented tournament player with over $200,000 in tournament winnings.

4. David Williams

David Williams is a self taught poker player who is now part of the Bodog.com team. He made his debute to television poker after he won a seat online to the 2004 World Series of Poker. He finished 2nd place and made over 3.5 million for his achievement. He has placed in several big events, but his first bracelet didn’t come until 2006 when he won the $1,500 Seven Card Stud event. His tournament winnings amount to over 6 million. Not only is David a highly skilled player, but he is also young and good looking.

5. Joe Hashem

Not only did Joe Hachem beat over 5,000 players in the 2005 World Series of Poker Championship, but he is also the hottest Aussie poker player around. Hachem made is poker debute when he won the main event in 2005 which earned him 7.5 million dollars. He has also proven that his win was not a fluke, as he also finished 1st in the Bellagio Five Diamond World Poker Classic in 2006. In total, Hachem has over 10 million in tournament winnings thus far.

6. Scott Clements

At the age of 27, Scott Clements has proven to be more than just a good looking jock at the poker tables. He also knows how to play poker. With several WSOP and WPT cashes, he is quickly becoming a rising star in the poker world. To date he has over 3 million in tournament cashes, and two WSOP bracelets. He is also a well rounded poker player who says his favorite poker games are Hi/Lo games.

7. Michael DeMichele

Michael DeMichele is the hot poker player you would want to take home to daddy. This New York State resident had his first major poker success in 2006 where he placed 3rd in the United States Poker Championship. He is well versed in many poker games and has placed in events such as Stud and Hold’em. To date, his biggest finish was the 2008 WSOP H.O.R.S.E event where he placed runner up to Scotty Nguyen, earning him over 1.2 million. So far, this young pro has won over 1.7 million from tournaments.

8. Tony Dunst

Tony Dunst is said to be one of online poker’s most colorful characters. After turning $80 to $400, he started to take poker more seriously. His poker career started out by playing cash games; he eventually progressed into playing tournaments. He is well known for his poker articles and teachings which are some of the most widely read on the internet. Tony has more than 1 million in tournament cashes.

9. Alex Kamberis

Alex Kamberis is ranked the #1 tournament player in the world. He is known online as AJKHoosier1 and has made a name for himself by playing the best online professionals in the world and consistently beating the games he plays in. Alex has over 2 million in tournament winnings but he is on his way to becoming one of the most feared online players in the world.

10. Chad Brown

Chad Brown is an actor turned poker player who lives in Los Angeles California. He has cashed in several events at the World Series of Poker including 3rd in the 2002 $1,500 Omaha H/L event. He has also made several WSOP Circuit Event finishes. His biggest cash was in the 2006 World Championship of online poker event where he took first place in the H.O.R.S.E. event. Chad is also the presenter of the Ultimate Poker Challenge television series. To date, Chad has over 2 million in tournament winnings.

1. Shana Hiatt

The original (and still the best) poker TV show hostess, Shana Hiatt has risen to fame that matches practically any professional poker player. Three years of hosting the World Poker Tour as well as other shows such as NBC’s Poker After Dark, Hiatt is hands down the hottest poker babe of all time.

2. Jennifer Tilly

At this stage in her life, its hard to decide if Tilly is more well known for her film resume or poker achievements. Once viewed as a casual Hollywood poker player, Jennifer has become one of the most feared female players on the circuit, having won both a WSOP and WPT championship. In just a few years she has become arguably one of the most famous female poker player ever.

3. Shannon Elizabeth

As one of the first Hollywood starlets to get into the poker scene, Shannon Elizabeth quickly gained notoriety as a serious poker player, attending and participating in a number of WSOP and other major events. Although she hasn’t matched the success of other actress-turn-players like Tilly, her contribution to the game hasn’t been any less untactful.

4. Isabelle Mercier

Nicknamed “No Mercy” by Mike Sexton, Isabelle Mercier is known as one of the most fearless professional female poker players on the planet. With a history that includes a stint as a dealer and poker room manager, Mercier has already pocketed a quarter million in tournament winnings.

5. Liz Lieu

A Vietnam native with almost a million in live play winnings, Liz Lieu got her gambling start at the tender age of 13, playing Chinese Poker with her friends. Numerous final table appearances and a major win at the 2006 LA Poker Classic has cemented Lieu as one of the most successful female tournament players playing today.

6. Cecilia Nordenstam

Hailing from Stockholm, Sweden, Nordenstam rose to fame after numerous appearances on the European Poker Tour (EPT). Constantly refining her game with other Swedish pros like Martin De Kniff and boyfriend Alexander Stevic, Cecilia is one of the girls at the forefront of the European poker explosion.

7. Clonie Gowen

As the most experienced player on the list, Cycalona “Clonie” Gowen was helping to legitimize females in poker long before the poker explosion. With almost two dozen live tournament cashes under her belt, the former beauty pageant winner is one of the most recognizable faces in the poker world, regardless of gender.

8. Marianela Pereyra

As the only other poker hostess on the list, Marianela has been hailed as the only on-screen poker babe capable of filling Shana Hiatt’s shoes. As the current host of NBC’s Poker After Dark, Marianela is helping to lead the way for a new breed of poker personalities.

9. Evelyn Ng

Considered one of the most beautiful poker players in the world, Evelyn Ng has been a huge force in spreading the popularity of the game. Born in Toronto, Canada, Nig now resides in Las Vegas, where she plays poker full time.

10. Erica Schoenberg

A former professional Blackjack player who was trained personally by the infamous MIT Blacjack team, Erica Schoenberg has since made the full transition to poker. Though not as serious a player as some of the others on the list, that hasn’t stopped Schoenberg from collecting more than six figures in poker winnings.

Earlier this week I was playing 2/5 at the Venetian and had sat down next to this guy that looked similar to an environmentalist hippy. He struck me as the kind of guy that enjoyed going on long hikes in the woods, singing about peace, and eating granola. This stereotype surprised me when I sat down and he had a terrible attitude. I noticed right away that the table was fairly tight and players were continuously getting up to go to the bathroom or eat, so we never had more than 7 players sitting down at one time. This wasn’t the best game to be sitting at and I could see why the man would be getting impatient. It wasn’t long until he started telling us bad beat stories about how some guy cracked his aces with 4 6 suited and he lost all his money on the hand. Then he started complaining about not getting any cards. I was starting to think that this guy was going to complain about anything he could.

Then a hand played out where there were 5 limpers into the pot. The flop comes out Kc 10d 2c, and it checks around to the hippy who also checks. The turn is a 7c. It checks around to the hippy who bets $50. Small blind smooth calls the $50. The river is a 9h. Hippy bets $50 and small blind raises him $125. After a moment hippy calls the $125 and turns over pocket Jacks. Small blind wins with an 8 high flush. Hippy ends up slamming his cards down and bangs his fists on the table while yelling at the guy who won about how he plays terrible cards. Normally I don’t get involved with people’s squabbles at the table but I thought Hippy was way out of line to yell at this guy for winning the hand, so I said, “What do you expect when you play bad?”

I will give Hippy the benefit of the doubt and assume he is a better player than he displayed at the table. You can’t limp with Jacks, check the flop, let someone catch up, and be upset when you lose. If you limp in with Jacks you just have to be prepared to let the hand go if you don’t hit on the flop. If you make the decision to play big pocket pairs for a limp, you have to be ok to let them go and you can’t decide to commit with them in the middle of the hand. For one, you have no idea where you are at, and you have no idea what your opponents are playing.

Sometimes having a bad attitude will affect the way you play or your mental stability. Assuming that Hippy is a better player than he displayed, I would have to guess that he was letting his former sessions and bad attitude get in the way of his performance. If you sit down at a session and think, “I’ve lost every session for the last week, so I’m probably going to lose this one because I’m running bad.” Most likely you will lose that session because you are mentally handicapping yourself. Poker is a mental game and just like in every other sport you have to keep your muscles strong. Having a defeating disposition during the course of a hand is going to make you play poorly and hinder your evaluation of your opponent. If you find that you are sitting down at a table and are getting annoyed, impatient, or you are thinking about hands you lost earlier, you should get up from the table. Maybe all it will take is a walk to clear your head or maybe you need to leave and go back at a later date. Whatever the case, it is more important to clear your head than to play poorly and loose all your money.

Lots of poker players learned the game from friends and family during weekly or monthly home games, and to this day some of the best fun to be had while playing poker is in your buddy’s living room. One question I get a lot is what type of gear one should keep in-house if you wanted to start running your own little home game. To run a correct home game or home tournament, you’re going to want just about everything a casino provides, luckily most of this stuff comes cheap and with all the poker retail sites out there (plus a great section on eBay), you shouldn’t have too hard of a time coming up with the following at a price you can afford.

The Necessities

Chips – An obvious must for every home game, you go cheap or expensive when it comes to chips. Lightweight plastic chips are fine to start out with, but eventually you’ll want to upgrade to the quality you’ll find in a casino. If you want, you can even have your chips customized with a personal logo for extra flair.

Cards – Take my word for it, not all cards are created equal. Some have too much of a laminated look and don’t feel right in your hands. The best brand hands down is Bicycle, so buy a few of their classic decks and never worry about it again.

Dealer Button – These are dirt-cheap and are available at any poker retail site. They are all pretty much the same.

The Add-ons

Timer – If you’re running a game where the blinds and antes go up, you’ll want something keeping time that all the players can see. A number of tournament timers exist on the market, and for under $100 you can get one that’ll display the current time left in the round and what the current blinds and antes are. Plus, it adds a level of professionalism to your game.

Shuffler – One of the main reasons why home games progress slowly is because of poor shuffling. No one will want to be the shuffler all night and when the deck gets around to the guy that doesn’t know how to shuffle at all, you’re going to be wasting time getting him up to speed. I recommend playing with two decks during a home game, one to deal the current hand with and one to use for the next hand. After a hand is finished, pop the deck you just used into the automatic shuffler and it’ll be ready to go for the next round. Quick, easy, professional and it’ll help move your game along.

Pro Tables – My personal home game table is better than you’ll find in just about any casino. I had it custom built to my specs, had cup holders built directly into the rim, and even had the felt silk-screened with my logo. This cost a pretty penny, but it makes my games something to remember. If you got the cash and are serious about holding at least one home game month, having a custom poker table built will make you the envy of all your friends. Shop around online and see if you can’t find one in your price range.

Every time I make resolutions in other parts of my life for New Year’s, they last about a week, so I was hoping that making some new resolutions for something I take very seriously, like poker, will actually stick.

So here are my top ten poker resolutions for 2009:

1. I will stop buying expensive computer monitors in order to play multiple online poker rooms all at once, all on their own dedicated screen (Yes, I really have been doing this).

2. I will stop chasing draws of 10% or less.

3. No more playing for 8 hours at a time at the Normandie Casino in Southern California just to qualify for their $2.00 All-You-Can-Eat Orange Chicken promotion.

4. I will stop giving poker advice to friends that I refuse to follow myself.

5. I promise to buy no more than 10 new card protectors this year (Okay, maybe 11).

6. I will learn how to actually shuffle cards correctly for my home game instead of using an automatic shuffler.

7. Finish reading at least half of all the poker books I own (Which has to be 20+).

8. Actually take a friend to go play poker instead of just telling him how cool it is and then never mentioning it again.

9. Play tables based on the types of players versus how well I can see the cardroom TV.

10. Write my poker blog before midnight for once in an attempt to actually put a coherent sentence together.

Happy 2009!!

It's been a long WSOP for many of the pros who have been here since day one. To get through the sometimes tedious days at the table, I've seen many tools employed. Ipods and Blackberries are common. But sometimes players revert to a little old school diversion: Jean Robert Bellande, Gavin Smith, and Daniel Negreanu pictured below. My guess is that once the main event begins, more attention will be paid to reading opponents than anything else.

Meanwhile, back at the Bat cave, there are reports of lines being long at Foxwoods, too. But we're not talking about tournaments. USA Today reported that Foxwoods was exchanging "Wampum" points for gallons of gas. Apparently thousands of people lined up to exchange their casino points for gas credit. One "Wampum" point is earned from spending $90 in the Foxwoods casino, but the gasoline Rapunzels in Connecticut were spinning each point into a gallon of gas.

Judy Kelly, 51, of Franklin, Mass., said she drove to the casino just for the promotion. She and her husband were hoping to get $850 put on a gas card. The casino limit for a single player is $500.

The question is, how much money did they spend in gas to get to Foxwoods to exchange their credit? Clearly in the case of Foxwoods vs. Gamblers, Foxwoods is probably making more money. Because who would drive to a casino and not go in? Just for a minute...

Way back in early July, over one hundred poker bloggers descended on Las Vegas for a long weekend of drunken degeneracy. A few in the group opted to take a day off from 3am Pai Gow sessions and donkey $2/$4 limit games to play in some of the early WSOP events. One of those was the beautiful Factgirl, who decided to make her live tournament debut in the 2006 Ladies Event.

After the jump, a Q & A session with Factgirl, including some helpful WSOP tips.

Finding fashion violators at $1500 WSOP event is just too easy when hundreds of overweight, middle-aged guys in shirts like these keep showing up and buying in. I'll offer any of you fashion victims $50 if you let me burn the offending garments and roast a hot dog over the resulting flames.

There are 2000 more of you in this room

Got a toke for me?

Knowing my past life as the gossip columnist for Bluff Magazine, Kenna James shouted out to me from his table, "If you and I hooked up, who would write about it?"

I shouted back, so that all could hear, "Your wife."

His tablemates are now my biggest fans.

You may have heard of the wager between Gavin Smith and Joe Sebok, but if you haven’t here the gist: whoever finishes higher in the WSOP Player of the Year Standings gets to dress the loser in the superhero costume of his choice during the first few days of the main event.

I caught Sebok in the hallway this morning and asked him how the race was going and he shook his head. He told me he has only three cashes in hold’em events (only those were included in this wager), but Smith also has not fared well.

“Neither one of us has done much of anything,” Sebok said. “It’s really a victory of idiots at this point.”

As of now, Smith stands to be the victorious idiot. The standings are calculated on a per dollar basis this year and Sebok stood $9,000 or so behind Tuesday morning as he prepared to play the $1,500 NLHE, his final chance to make up the ground. Sebok figured he will have to make it to at least 175th place if Smith doesn’t cash.

I asked Sebok if Smith has given him any hints as to what gear he might have to don if he loses the bet. Sebok was mum.

“He’s given me a hint, but it’s his surprise,” he said. “You’ll have to grab him and ask him.”

Smith was immediately unavailable, but let me offer some suggestions. For maximum embarrassing impact, Smith should dress Sebok as all female superheroes. I’d recommend Wonder Woman, Catwoman and Elektra.

Whilst Dad Ralph was playing, into the money, on day 1 of the $1k rebuy tournament today I noticed a couple of young boys playing heads up outside the room.

Keeping a close eye on them was mother Merry Perry .
They seem to have invented their own version of a poker game with all cards dealt face up and no rounds of betting.

" What are you playing for?" I asked.
"Daddy's bracelet." replied Sean.
"I won." said brother Joseph.
"I get the bracelet anyway as Daddy prefers me.Granny told me." Sean answered matter of factly.

If you want to laugh your butt off, tune into Fox Sports Net (FSN) tonight at 11p.m. PST. They're showing the Mansion Poker Dome event that was taped on Sunday July 9th. We weren't allowed to blog about the results earlier, but it was pretty exciting when I won the seat, and then played in the event. A ton of poker bloggers were there (they were in town for the WPBT) and I was thrilled that there were so many fans and friends in the audience.

It sure was fun, but I can't tell you all of it. I also have to save some creative juices for a magazine article I'm writing about it. (Hopefully for BLUFF). But I will say that you will get a great laugh. They made us pose for the camera with so many silly faces for our interviews and bios, that I know I'm going to double over as soon as I see it. In addition to how much fun it was, there was also the blessing of my travel books getting so much attention. Yeah!

The usual ways to enter a tournament are:
1) To play a satellite

2) To pay the entry in full

Alex Prendes did not win his satellite and did not have enough to just walk up to the window and enter. So his friend Michael Mizrachi carries, either for fun or security, a device that gives you an electrick shock. He bet Alex that he couldn't hold the device for 30 seconds. I am not sure what Alex was to forfeit should he fail, but he didn't and he played in the $2000 NLHE event yesterday.

Razz is a brutal game and it brought out some of the worst fashion choices I've seen so far at the WSOP. From fur collars in July to pleather fanny packs, to the always-popular socks with sandals, there's a fashion offender in here for everyone.

A furry dead thing tops off Jen Harman's quilted gold lame vest

Mike Matusow's fanny pack faux pas. Can't the I.O.U.s fit in your pocket?

I've never heard anyone describe John Bonnetti as genteel...and I'm guessing I never will. I understand you can't call yourself a dealer until Bonnetti's cussed you out. If they televised the Bonnetti roast they held at the WSOP last year it would have been one long bleep - both of Bonnetti and all the people imitating Bonnetti. Some players are "old school" - but Bonnetti is definitely "old detention."

One of my poker boyz, wildbill, recently found himself at Bonnetti's table in the WSOP $1K NLHE. The scene that follows is classic wildbill and even more classic Bonnetti.

A priest, a one-legged rabbi, and a frog walk into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve your kind here."

The priest says: "You got something against amphibians?"

The bartender says: "No! But this is a poker playing bar and we don't like limpers."

Sometimes the conversation at poker tables can be down right funny and then there are the other times. Not everyone is a comedian but I will, once again, let you be the judge.

I received an invite to a poker sites party next week. The star attraction will be Pamela Anderson. Other attractions include a mechanical bull and 100 scantily clad cowgirls.

The invitation stated boldly "Appropriate attire required".

That reminds me of another story on the forums where a player claims to be showing up for the main event dressed as a penis.

Given the above would that be appropriate attire?

If the above happens I assure you I will try and introduce Pamela to the 6 foot penis.

A few tidbits from my five minute, half-mile walk to the tournament floor this afternoon:

- Only an hour and a half after the cards went in the air for today's $2000 NLHE event, the taxi line is already two dozen deep. I felt like the one little salmon swimming upstream as I dodged a steady flow of twentysomething guys in hats and sunglasses bitching into their cell phones to whoever would listen.

- Norman Chad regaled a bevy of blonde beauties (and a few ESPN interns) with weight-loss prop bet stories outside the ESPN interview room where they film interstitial segments for the WSOP broadcasts including commentary, player interviews and "The Nuts."

-I saw Toto Leonidas pop open his cell phone and speed-dial the Bellagio poker room to see if a $400-800 mixed game was running.

- An early-afternoon karaoke party is in full swing in the hospitality suite next to the media room. A poker player identified only as "One Nut" has been entertaining the models inside with renditions of "Oh, Canada" and other lounge classics. They giggle like schoolgirls any time he picks up the mic. Don't quit your day job, buddy.

As promised, I made my way to the Golden Nugget poker room again Wednesday night. I was seated beside a gentleman named Larry who was used as an extra in this new poker movie "The Grand" that's in production in a ballroom in the casino.

Earlier this evening I made the mile-long* trek from the WSOP area to the Rio proper and sighted Doyle Brunson as he whizzed by on his hot red scooter. A fan called out to him and Doyle slowed down enough to update him on the day's progress and thank him for the well-wishes before speeding back to the Stud event.

To follow up with the first bust out in yesterday's $1500 NL Event, it was James Woods who fiilled the empty seat.

Apparently he was gushing about how hot his 20 year-old girlfriend is and her appearance on Entourage.

One of the guys at the table asked who she was.

"If you saw her and don't remember you should go back to Brokeback," Woods offered.

He must be talking about Ashley Madison. Rawwwr.

Michael Craig, author of The Professor, The Banker, and the Suicide King, had a bad day yesterday.

Criag busted out of the $1500 NLHE event yesterday when his pocket queens ran into tiltboy Perry Friedman's pocket aces. Friedman made good use of Craig's chips and survived Day One. When Criag was leaving the Rio parking lot after the tournament, his car was rear ended. What was the license plate of the offending vehicle? "All-in."

The poker playing celebrities were in full force at the Rio Tuesday as James Woods and Jennifer Tilly were playing on tables near me in the $1,500 NLHE event that drew yet another plus 2,000 crowd.

I was gone in less than three hours and sat down to play a $275 satellite. Apparently, Woods wasn’t far behind as I saw him go from satellite table to satellite table telling anyone who would listen that his aces were cracked by ace-king.

Meanwhile, Jerry Buss, the owner of the Lakers and probably the richest man in the room, wandered through the aisles in his standard poker gear of worn-out blue jeans and untucked shirt waiting for a satellite to start.

Satellite director Margie Fasold tried to help this $660 buy in seven-card stud satellite begin by announcing, “If you want to play a well-known personality, Jerry Buss, owner of the Lakers, is sitting over here on table 106. If you want a lesson in stud, Jerry will give it to you.�?